To Have Loved and Lost
by DarkChilde2
Summary: Warning: SLASH, Even the end of war can't stop death from finding BJ.


Title: To Have Loved and Lost 1/?  
Author: DarkChilde  
Email: princess220@alltel.net  
Rating: R  
Warnings: character death  
Summary: I'm horrible at these things. A phone call sends Hawkeye to his  
best friend's side.  
Disclaimer: I don't own MASH. No profit is made, no copyright infringement  
intended.  
Distribution: List archives can have this, anyone else just needs to ask.  
I've never turned an archive request down.  
Feedback: Yes please, first try in this fandom. I need to know how it went.  
Author's Notes: This is unbetaed. Any mistakes are mine and mine alone. This  
isn't a particularly happy fic, but it was begging to be let out of my  
brain, so here it is. I promise it does get more overtly slashy in later  
parts. Just as a warning, I tend to write long and angst-filled stories.  
Hope you enjoy. Also realize that the timeframe of this fic is about 15  
years prior to my birth. I did my best to check up on available medical  
treatments and the such, but I may have made some errors. If so they are  
entirely my fault and I would appreciate any input that you might have.  
  
  
  
Hawkeye wasn't sure whether it was the rain or his tears that were blurring  
his vision. He'd had almost a year to prepare for this day and he still  
wasn't ready. It wasn't supposed to be like this. He wasn't supposed to bury  
his best friend and only love, still a young man. He wasn't supposed to have  
to hold tight to the hand of that man's wife. He wasn't supposed to have to  
comfort a girl who had just lost her father. If this had been 10 or 11 years  
ago, he would have been prepared. They both were then. They new that death  
could strike at any moment, they had accepted that. But when they were home,  
away from the horror that had been Korea, they were supposed to be safe.  
They were supposed to live to be old men. It wasn't supposed to happen this  
way.  
  
Almost a year ago, 10 months and 11 days ago, he had taken a call from this  
same woman. He had just gotten home from a grueling day in the office. It  
seemed as if everyone in town was either sick or injured. The phone was  
ringing when he opened the door and he almost let it go, something made him  
answer it though. The voice on the other line was in pain and so very  
scared, "Hawkeye, It's Peg."  
  
Hawkeye had registered the anxiety immediately. "What's wrong?" His own  
voice was serious.  
  
"It's BJ. He's sick, Hawkeye. They tell me he's dying. He asked for you."  
Tears are carefully held at bay.  
  
"He can't be dying, there must be some mistake." Shock had already changed  
his voice, it sounded hollow even to his own ears.  
  
"Please, will you come? He needs to see you, and I, well Erin and I, we need  
to have someone here who understands, who is a friend." Desperation was  
creeping into her words.  
  
Hawkeye didn't know how he could leave his patients, his practice, but his  
best friend needed him and he would go. Things here would be taken care of  
somehow. "I'll catch the next flight out."  
  
"Thank you. You have no idea how much that means to all of us. I'm at Hope  
Memorial hospital, room 318."  
  
"Hope Memorial, room 318. I'll be there as soon as I can. Tomorrow as early  
as possible." There wasn't even a possibility that he would answer any other  
way. BJ had asked for him and there was never a time that would fail to  
bring him. He had promised as much years ago. So he made the flight  
arrangements and only after called the one other physician in town. Dr.  
Davis wasn't happy about taking on his patients, but Hawkeye didn't give him  
much of a way out. He was leaving and that was it. He through a few things  
into a suitcase and left for the airport.  
  
The next hours would be excruciatingly long. He hadn't thought to ask any  
questions when he had Peg on the phone. His brain was using that uncertainty  
to make up endless scenarios as to what was wrong with BJ, each possibility  
was more devastating than the last. Intellectually, he knew that he should  
wait until he found out what was wrong before he let his imagination take  
over. It was the advice that he gave patients and their families every day,  
but he had never realized before just how difficult that was to do. He  
couldn't seem to stem the tide of fears in his head, couldn't stop the  
overwhelming despair that had been spreading through him body, mind, and  
soul, since he took Peg's phone call. By the time the plane landed he had  
worked himself into quite a state.  
  
He gathered his things and after some minor debate, elected to rent a car.  
He took down detailed directions from the young man working the counter,  
praying they would get him to Hope Memorial hospital. A short time later he  
arrived, the drive over uneventful, meaning that he hadn't been caught when  
he broke traffic laws and had managed to follow the directions without  
getting lost. The next obstacle Hawkeye encountered was an earnest nurse on  
the third floor of the hospital. He had made the mistake of stopping to ask  
where room 318 was. He had been summarily informed that the patient was only  
allowed to have family visit him. He had tried to explain that he was a  
doctor and a family friend that Mrs. Honeycutt had called personally, but  
she was insistent on her orders. Another nurse rescued him a moment later  
when she went to get Peg. Peg informed the other nurse that Hawkeye was  
family as far as she was concerned.  
  
"I'm really sorry about that. I should have let them know you were coming."  
It was easy to see why BJ had been drawn to this woman. She was lovely, but  
more than physical beauty, she had a strength that called out to people.  
Less than 24 hours ago, she had sounded devastated on the phone. Now her  
voice was crisp and confident. It wasn't that the circumstances had changed,  
she had just learned to deal with them. She had learned quickly, and she  
would probably say out of necessity, but it took a tremendous strength of  
character to face the illness of someone you loved and maintain this  
strength. Peg was a wonderful woman and BJ had been lucky to find her.  
  
"It's alright. I should have just found the room on my own anyway. How is  
he?"  
  
"He's better than he was when I brought him here. They're giving him a lot  
of medication and some of it keeps him pretty out of things, but he can talk  
to us when he's awake. His doctor should be by in an hour or so. He can  
explain everything to you. This is his room." Peg stopped just outside of  
the door.  
  
"I know that his doctor will be able to give me more details, but I kind of  
feel like I need to be prepared here. Could you maybe tell me what  
happened?" Hawkeye hated to ask this of her, but he needed to know what he  
would find on the other side of this door.  
  
Peg's posture visibly stiffened, but when she spoke it was in the same clear  
tones she had been using before. "A couple of weeks ago, BJ started  
complaining about headaches. They hadn't ever really bothered him before,  
but he wasn't worried. He took some aspirin and went about his business. Two  
days ago he collapsed when he got home from his office. The neighbor helped  
me get him in the car and to the hospital. Yesterday they told me that he  
has a tumor in his brain and chances aren't good that he'll survive, even if  
they can remove it." Tears had sprung to her eyes as she delivered this  
chain of events. Her voice never wavered though.  
  
Hawkeye was glad she had found her calm because he didn't know if he could  
maintain that same sense of calm. This was possibly the worst scenario he  
had come up with. There were still relatively few effective treatments for  
cancer and for a brain tumor the options were even further diminished. He  
hoped that the doctor has some good news, some ray of hope for them. "Thank  
you. For telling me." Hawkeye pulled the diminutive woman into a tight hug  
Over the years he had come to think of her as a friend and she needed his  
comfort right now as much as he needed hers. "Come on, lets see him."  
  
Peg gently extracted herself from his embrace and opened the door to BJ's  
hospital room. She went to BJ's side and stroked his hair back from his  
face. He was asleep. "I don't want to wake him. Don't know that it would do  
much good anyway."  
  
Hawkeye nodded at her, trying desperately to keep his own emotions in check.  
The man he saw there was barely a shadow of the BJ he had known. He was pale  
and thin. His skin seemed to be stretched tight across his bones. It scared  
Hawkeye to see him so diminished. "Let him sleep." Peg immediately dropped  
into a chair by BJ's side. Hawkeye found a second chair and moved it to the  
other side of the bed. Neither spoke, there was nothing to say really. The  
silence wasn't uncomfortable, but it was complete. Peg held her husband's  
hand gently stroking her thumb across it. Hawkeye located BJ's chart and  
began to read. There wasn't much there that he hadn't been told or guessed.  
It looked unlikely that his best friend would survive this, barring a  
miracle.  
  
He was just finishing with the chart when a fairly young man walked into the  
room. "Good Morning Mrs.Honeycutt. I see you have someone with you today."  
  
"Good morning, Dr. Jansen. This is a very old friend of BJ's. He's  
practically family. Dr. Benjamin Pierce." Peg introduced them.  
  
"I'm glad you could come Dr. Pierce. BJ has been asking about you. I  
understand you served in Korea together."  
  
"That's right. I certainly never thought I would lose him like this. What  
are his chances?" Hawkeye tried to keep his voice upbeat.  
  
"You've seen the chart. I can't tell you much more. I don't believe that the  
tumor can be surgically removed. We could try some other treatments, but I  
don't know that they would be effective. I have contacted some other  
physicians to consult on this case. The best in the world will have looked  
at him before the week is out. I'm hoping they'll find a solution that I  
overlooked." Dr. Jansen was candid. Peg Honeycutt had already asked that he  
not sugarcoat his news for her benefit and he had heard a great deal about  
Dr. Pierce in the last couple of days. From both his patient and Peg. He  
believed that Dr. Pierce would appreciate the truth far more than some  
gentle message of hope.  
  
"How long, do you think he has?" Hawkeye had gone entirely cold. It was as  
if all of his ability to feel had slid out of his body at the words of Dr.  
Jansen. It might have made him sound calm and collected, but he was anything  
but. There was none of Peg's solid strength in him. He was simply empty.  
  
"6 months, a year at the outside with treatment." The words were flat, but  
they cut straight to Hawkeye's heart. "I wish I had better news. Dr.  
Honeycutt is a wonderful surgeon and I've learned, a better man. His death  
will be a great loss to us all."  
  
BJ began to stir at that moment. His eyes came open and he smiled a weak  
smile. "I'm not dead yet, Doctor."  
  
"Of course not, BJ. I was just letting your visitor know what we've found so  
far." Dr. Jansen's voice immediately lightened as BJ addressed him.  
  
"Guest?" BJ pushed himself up and looked past Dr. Jansen to where Hawkeye  
was standing. "Hawk, you came." His smile grew brighter and he reached one  
thin hand out towards his friend.  
  
"Of course I came. Didn't I promise you that I would always be there when  
you needed me." Hawkeye crossed the room quickly and took BJ's outstretched  
hand. "You could have just called you know. Didn't need to stage this whole  
illness thing to get me here." Hawkeye tried for his customary humor, but it  
felt hollow even to him.  
  
BJ however, laughed obligingly before responding. "I wish that was how it  
was Hawk. Would have been one hell of a prank." BJ paused, "I'm glad you  
came, Hawkeye. How long can you stay?"  
  
"I told Carl Davis, I'd be gone at least a week. I'll be here as long as you  
need me. You and Peg and Erin, I mean."  
  
"Have you seen her yet? She's grown up so much in the last year. You won't  
hardly even recognize her." BJ's face was lit up with a gentle smile as he  
talked about his daughter.  
  
"Just got into town an hour or so ago. Haven't even made any hotel  
arrangements yet."  
  
"You'll stay at our place of course. Remember, I wrote you. We bought a new  
house a few months back. It's bigger; there's a guest room you can use."  
  
"I wouldn't want to put Peg to all the trouble Beej. She has enough to worry  
about."  
  
Peg herself stepped up at this point. "Really, Hawkeye, it's no trouble. I'm  
not going to be the best housekeeper or hostess but if you don't mind that  
you're welcome to stay at the house."  
  
"I don't mean to interrupt, but BJ has some tests scheduled for this morning  
and I would like to talk with him for a bit about which doctors we're going  
to try to have consult on his case. Perhaps the two of you could get some  
breakfast?" Dr. Jansen gently stepped in.  
  
"Of course, Doctor. I should have realized you would have things to do. I  
wasn't thinking." Hawkeye was rather sheepish. He should have thought. It  
wasn't like he had never seen a patient in the hospital before.  
  
Dr. Jansen smiled at him. "That's quite alright Dr. Pierce. I understand  
that he's a very old friend."  
  
"I'll see you in a couple of hours, Hawkeye." BJ gave Hawkeye's hand a  
squeeze before releasing it.  
  
Peg came up and kissed her husband lightly on the cheek. "I'll get him  
settled in at the house, BJ and then we'll go to breakfast. I promise we'll  
be here when you get back. I love you."  
  
"I love you too."  
  
"We'll see you later, Dr. Jansen?" There was a question in Peg's voice.  
  
"Of course. I'll be back in later this afternoon. BJ should be back to his  
room about 11:00. It was good to meet you Dr. Pierce." Dr. Jansen shook  
Hawkeye's hand and the group parted ways. 


End file.
